Secrets
by morethanamuse
Summary: The journey that is Castle and Beckett to the tune of 'Secrets' by OneRepublic. Multi-Chapter. T for safety, for now, we'll see where it goes! **Chapter 9 now up!**
1. I Need Another Story

**_Hello there! This has been brewing for quite some time... I am not done with it quite yet (I wanted to post it all at once, but I didn't want someone to think of it and post it before me!) So it will be broken into short chapters. _**

**_I really think this song fits them perfectly. 'Secrets' by OneRepublic. I actually hate everything else that OneRepublic does, but I absolutely adore this song... probably for its Caskett-y relevance. :D_**

**_Enjoy! _**

**_

* * *

_**

_I need another story_

_Something to get off my chest_

_My life gets kinda boring_

_Need something that I can confess_

Tonight, Richard Castle was straining to play the part. There wasn't even a tiny part of him that wanted to be at yet another book release party. Not to say he wasn't proud of his latest work as an author, but this evening was particularly lack-luster. He had killed off his star character, Derek Storm, for a reason. It was selfish, rash, and seemed delusional to nearly everyone but him, and he knew it. But really, it was simple. He was bored.

When he got right down to it, he was actually much more frustrated with himself for being bored than anything else. That was the real problem. He had money, yes, but he didn't ever want to be one of those rich folks who kept throwing their money down the drain in order to keep themselves entertained. Not only was he against it on principle, but what kind of father would he be if he set that kind of example for Alexis? _Whipped cream right from the can? Not nearly as bad as becoming a self-absorbed, wasteful brat_, he thought.

Scanning the crowd, he picked out faces he knew, and set himself on autopilot. Sign something, snap a picture, sip champagne, repeat. It was all very exhausting. This much was certain; he needed out. Heading to the bar, he found Alexis studying, and his mother, Martha, giving her a hard time about it. He smiled. These two made events like this a little brighter... a silver lining of sorts to his inner dreary mood.

He joined their conversation, expressing his frustration with the routine that had become his life. Rick Castle didn't do routine. Rick Castle did dangerous. Rick Castle did spontaneous. Rick Castle did surprises. As these words were coming out of his mouth, he felt a slight tap on his shoulder that made him jump and shiver all at once.

"Where would you like it?" He turned, expecting an excited fan, pining for his autograph.

The woman who had spoken just gave him a sly smirk and said,

"Richard Castle, Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD. I need to ask you a few questions about a murder that took place earlier tonight."

_Talk about surprises._

_

* * *

_

_**Just the beginning. :) **_

_**There is much more to come... I have quite a bit written. I will post part two tomorrow! :D**_

_**Reviews, please? I know this was just a teasing of a chapter, but it's the first stanza's writing. I didn't want to put two in one chap. :)**_


	2. On The Brink

**_Part 2! YAY! I am really liking the response so far! Thanks so much to all who have read and reviewed. _**

**_I forgot my disclaimer before... you know the drill... Not mine, etc. Just like to play with them :D_**

**_Also, I don't have a beta... I pride myself on good grammar and try to fix all of my awful spelling... So let me know if there is anything wrong! :)_**

**_Happy Reading!_**

**_-MTAM_**

**_

* * *

_**

_'Til all my sleeves are stained red_

_From all the truth that I've said_

_Come by it honestly I swear_

_Thought you saw me wink, no_

_I've been on the brink, so_

Rick watched her leave, without a doubt knowing that it was exactly what she wanted him to do. His face crinkled into half a glare and half a pout for an instant, and just as quickly as the look had come across his handsome features, it was gone. He watched her hips sway back and forth until she briskly turned the corner, and was out of sight. It was only then that he realized that he had been holding his breath. He had been holding his breath for going on two years now, and each time he had wanted to release that gulp of air, he refrained. He was terrified of what her reaction might be. Releasing the single breath he was holding now in an exasperated puff of air, he turned towards the door, defeated. Not only because she had given him no other choice, but also because he knew that she, once again, scored a point against him. Just another day with my muse, he thought.

Sure, that was Detective Beckett's 'official' title when it came to her relation to him in the public eye, but when that name was bestowed upon her at the very beginning, he had never had the slightest inkling of what was to come. He, of course, was attracted to her from day one, but the emotional attachment that they had become intertwined in was honestly, never a part of the plan. He was glad it had been amended. Because, if he was going to come clean about things, this was, to him, better than simply jumping into bed with her on the day that changed his life forever.

He cared deeply about the detective, that much he knew. He always tried to do little things to earn her trust. _Baby steps_, he always told himself, especially after sensing what a complicated person Kate Beckett had turned out to be. He could see her coming around, but slowly. Very. Slowly. She flirted heavily with him, but then would take it all away with one stabbing comment, and then back again, giving him an intimate secret peek into what made her tick. Normally, Rick Castle would be frustrated with this notion, but not this time. Besides, as of recent, he thought he sensed a certain softness about Beckett that was becoming more and more evident. Either way, he knew she was different, and was worth the painstaking and puzzling game of piecing her together. Kate Beckett was real, and he had known it since the day that she had walked into his life.

Taking a deep, draining pull from his coffee cup, he began the journey to his loft. Along the way, he clearly decided on two things in his mind; things that he felt like he had really known all along.

_One. Kate Beckett was worth the wait, no matter how long that wait might be._

and,

_Two. Kate Beckett was extraordinary._

Producing one abrupt, unconscious, and decisive nod, he stepped off the elevator. _That_, he thought, _made her more than a muse._

_

* * *

__**I thought I was clever right there. Heh. XD **_

_**Reviews, please! Next chapter will be up tomorrow, if not sooner, if I get good response! :D **_


	3. All The Insincere

**_Hey guys, I know I promised quick updates, but I had an eye infection and I could barely see the screen... It's actually still a little foggy now, but its much better, and much less painful than it was before. So there's my excuse. Pledged and Tossing readers- same thing. I actually have chapters half written for those too, but I haven't been able to post them yet. _**

**_This is a little insight into Kate's head for the first half of the first chorus._**

**_enjoy!_**

**_MTAM_**

**_

* * *

_**

_Tell me what you want to hear_

_Something that will light those ears_

_Sick of all the insincere_

_So I'm gonna give all my secrets away_

A warm weight settled so heavily in Kate Beckett's chest that she had to sit down in order to avoid crashing onto the floor. She sunk to her chair, feeling the burden from the implications that had come with the words Esposito had just spoken to her. She considered those words carefully, imaging them written on her infamous 'Murder Board' that sat on its wheels across the room.

"Beckett, think about it," Esposito had said gently, "Why do you think he still follows you around? He has to have enough research for more than fifty books by now. Whatever the reason is, I'm pretty sure it doesn't include watching you be with another guy."

She would like to believe that he still needed more inspiration. She would like to believe that he liked their friendship, and that was all. There was no denying that they had become almost inexplicably close, it was easy to see.

They were never far from the same page. A vast majority of the time, not only were the two on the same page, they were on the same sentence, even the same word. They finished each other's sentences, bouncing ideas back and forth with an ease that usually only comes from not only working together, but having a deep personal connection for years. Yet it had been such a short time, respectively.

The toll of the job was heavy, but as she had told him once, he made it a little more fun. She was grateful for that. She knew that many homicide detectives had to seek counseling because of the stress and emotion that was a part of their everyday work. Castle seemed to be keeping her from that recently. Just having him around made all of her emotions quell just enough. She couldn't quite explain it, but he gave her a certain grounding; she counted on it.

Their relationship had been strained, stretched and tested more than once, and every time, they had bounced back. The problem was, there was so much insincerity between them. She knew that while each of them wanted to say so many things for so long, they had both bitten their tongues many times.

Kate felt so guarded around him, especially during their first few cases together. She didn't want to merely be another notch on the famous author's bedpost. She was a 'one and done' girl, something that she eventually told Castle. He didn't trust him. No, that wasn't quite it. She trusted him, he had shown his valour and his trustworthiness on a number of occasions. Just because he wouldn't stay in the car, and was more curious for his own good when it came to her mother's unsolved murder, didn't mean he wasn't courageous when he distracted killers with a headbutt or a punch, in order to give Beckett a better shot at her collar.

Where she didn't trust him, initially, was with her heart. His playboy reputation and his blatant immaturity were huge waving red flags to her. She was fiercely independent and self sufficient, and if she wanted to be more like Nikki Heat than she already was, she would be able to go out and find a friend with benefits at the drop of a hat. But despite all of those things, that wasn't her style. Just because she appeared to have that potential on the outside, didn't mean that was her persona. Kate Beckett was more complicated than she even would admit to herself.

She knew she wasn't the easiest person to get close to. Her walls had been built at an early age, and just grew thicker with time. The effect that different life events had to her rarely showed on the outside, but rather just added layers to her self-named 'Beckett Onion'

Her mother's murder made her tough but compassionate. It made her good at her job, determined to find closure for others that she herself couldn't find. But it also made her feel broken deep inside. Her parents made her kind and cultivated her good heart. She had standards, and morals, and knew what she wanted. She really had to admit; she was a huge tossed salad of traits.

All these thoughts rushed through her head at lightening speed. She wasn't sure what she was going to do about it, but she knew she needed to start letting Castle in. _Wait! The Hamptons,_ she thought. It would be a great start, and she had to admit, getting away for a while would be a good idea. She never allowed herself a vacation, and as Lanie had told her so many times, she could use a little fun, and Rick Castle was definitely _fun. _

As soon as she shook the stunned feeling that had settled over her like a fog, she gathered up her things and left the 12th, heading home for the night. With each step she took, she formed the plan that she would unleash the next day. She wasn't going to pour her soul out; just kick-start the process. She just had to play it the right way. She smiled to herself, finally realizing that this was what she wanted, and her initial feeling of inevitable heartbreak was wrong.

_The one time I'm glad I'm wrong,_ she thought.

* * *

**_*sniffle* I know, right? Sorry to leave it a bit sad (because we all know what happens...) hope to have the next chap up by the end of the week... its written, and if my eye behaves, I can edit and post it soon. _**

**_reviews are appreciated, loves! :)_**

**_Thanks!_**


	4. Another Perfect Line

**_Here is your next installment. I know many of you wanted a different outcome for the season 2 closer, but in order to make the rest of my story work (when I deviate from the show's plot), it had to happen. _**

**_I realize I am just recapping, but with some added style, flair and insight. :)_**

**_Enjoy!_**

* * *

_This time, don't need another perfect line_

_Don't care if critics never jump in line_

_I'm gonna give all my secrets away_

Rick Castle felt awful. Not only for getting in the way yet again, but because he was realizing that the woman sitting across from him, boring holes in him with her eyes, was more angry than she was letting on. The problem was, he couldn't exactly figure out why. After Beckett had found him at the crime scene, she roughly hauled him back to the precinct, ice forming in her usually warm eyes. Yes, she liked to play rough, but that ice was a blaring indicator that she wasn't messing around, and no one got in Kate Beckett's way when she was seriously pissed off.

Except him. There was a part of him that was brave enough to withstand her fury, because she was too precious to lose. He knew he had made some sort of mistake, but no one would answer him when he asked "What did I do?"

When he had left for the summer, she had made some really nice comments, and even told him that working with him was really fun. He remembered the way that he eyes shone, and her body was relaxed as if a huge burden had been lifted from her shoulders; a burden bigger than unsolved cases. He remembered that she had been particularly playful, grabbing a beer and flirting more heavily and with more sincerity than she ever had.

_What changed?_

It was as if the whole precinct was upset with him. Even easy-going Montgomery looked at him with a fiercely disappointed look in his eyes. After questioning that seemed to go deeper than just the case, and Beckett's return from talking to the Captain, she told him he was free to go. He followed her step, hoping everything would fall into place, equilibrium would return, and they could get working again. He was sorely mistaken.

"Castle, go home," she had nearly screamed at him. Her voice had an edge to it that was sharper than a razor blade.

"Go back to your Hamptons, your ex-wife, your book parties. Okay? I have work to do." She turned briskly, and if she hadn't, Castle would have been able to see the pain finally allow itself to creep into her eyes.

"What did I do?" He called after her, sighing heavily. Turning, he saw Ryan and Esposito, hoping to be able to talk to them. They gave him a fleeting glance and went on their way.

_Even the guys are mad at me,_ he thought.

* * *

Beckett stared longingly at Castle's vacant chair next to her desk. She angrily blinked back the tears that had formed in her eyes. She wasn't supposed to miss him. She was supposed to be glad that she was rid of him, and it shouldn't have been so hard to push him out of her life again. But the thought of him not being there all the time, especially when she now knew he wanted to be, shook her inside and out.

Esposito rolled over to her in his desk chair, knowing exactly what she was thinking. It pained him to see his boss this way. He would never say it, because it was too mushy for both of them, but both he and Ryan loved Beckett like a sister. They had watched her and Castle dance around each other for so long, and it made them both ache for her in sympathy. And while they had come to count Castle as one of their partners too, Beckett came first.

Ryan wheeled over too, missing his mark and flying past Beckett and Espo. Before he could get too far, Esposito reached out and caught his arm, shaking his head at the always amusing antics of his partner.

As Ryan got his bearings and rambled on about the case, Beckett realized she was barely listening. She rattled off a few routine orders to get financials and phone records, and then got lost in her thoughts again, announcing she was going to go check in with Lanie about the body. That was a lie; she needed her best friend to listen while she got all of her frustrations out.

As soon as she left, Esposito put his plan into action.

"Ryan!" he barked.

* * *

Castle had gone home, only to find out that his daughter was in a similar situation with a boy from her summer program. When he found himself arguing with his daughter and defending the boy, it all clicked.

Even though he had 'why' figured out, he still was unsure what to do about it. He just wanted to blurt everything out, so unlike his normal writer's flair. He wanted to just ramble like an idiot until she understood why he had left. She must have felt so betrayed, so certain that her feelings had gotten the best of her and she had forgotten her initial evaluation of him and his playboy ways. He wanted to prove that she really was wrong about him.

His doorbell rang, cutting his thoughts short. Ryan and Esposito stood on the other side, and grabbed his arm as soon as he opened the door.

"C'mon man. You're comin' with us," Ryan said as they both grinned impishly.

* * *

**_ Next two chaps are written- and my eye is feeling much better, just a little bleary, that's all- so I should be posting more regularly, now. :D_**

**_Please review! I think chapter 3 only got two reviews. It made me sad inside. :( _**

**_I need to know what you think! :D_**


	5. How We Got This Far

**_Please don't kill me. I'm just taking a leaf from the show's book. Would it be anything other than THEM if they didn't ponder over it for ages? XD _**

**_To reward you for sticking with my long stretches of stagnant thought, I will post TWO chapters tonight... AND... the end of chapter 6 is where I will REALLY start to deviate._**

**_Chew on that for a while. It will tide you over if you really think about it. That, and I'm gonna kick it up to M at some point, I hope. ;)_**

**_'til then, enjoy these two chaps! _**

* * *

_My God, amazing how we got this far_

_It's like we're chasing all those stars_

_Who's driving shiny big black cars_

No matter how hard she tried to shake him, Kate could not get rid of Castle. The startling realization was less about that, and more about why she couldn't make him go away. She kept casting him off, only to reel him back in. Every time he messed up, she gave him another chance. Kate Beckett wasn't one to give people second chances, but with Castle, she always did, and that's why he didn't ever disappear completely. She didn't want him to. It was that simple, and that difficult.

Kate sighed and got up to get yet another cup of coffee. It was a rainy night at the station, and everyone else had gone home. This was a familiar setting for Beckett, but there was an emptiness that she couldn't break, and instead of studying her murder board meticulously, she was lost in her thoughts.

Ever since he came back from the Hamptons, she had been feeling closer and closer to him, despite the fact that this summer, she had decided that she was going to cut ties with him completely. After all, it was _he_ who left _her_.

_Right?_

She knew it was partially her fault, and that Esposito had been right when he told her that Rick didn't want to watch her with another guy, and that was why he was leaving. But at that point, she couldn't let herself trust him, and she wasn't sure why. So she went with Demming, simply a deflect to her true feelings. And when Esposito had told her, she broke it off with Demming, determined to make her feelings known, but it had been too late.

But as usual, he came back, and she had let him in. How could she not?

It was amazing, really. They had been through so much, saving each other's lives so many times. From the first time that Castle dived on top of her and took them both to the ground in the apartment where they had found the passport that the Nigerian was so adamantly looking for, to shooting her mother's killer to save Castle before Coonan could give her the details she so desperately needed, it was apparent that they could both count on each other, no matter what the situation was.

It was because of these instances that he was truely her partner, in every sense of the word. They worked together so well, because they were both very similar when it came to cases. It was never enough for them to package things nicely in a box labeled 'Crime Solved'. They wanted to know everything; finding as many answers as they could to give the families closure that they both knew was so immensely important. She chuckled to herself. _Now only if he was a real cop_, she thought. Then they could be official in the workplace. _He would make a damn good one too_.

Partner. Yes, he definitely was her partner on the job. But what about outside of the 12th? Resting her head in the sieve of her hands, she took a deep breath. She didn't even know how to begin to think about that.

Correction. She didn't even know how to begin to think about that _again_.

* * *

_**On to chapter 6! WOO! review both, please! :D:D:D**_

_**also, mistakes are my own. i dont think there are many, if at all. :)**_


	6. Problems That We Could Solve

**_For A/N, see Ch. 5._**

**_ps- if it helps, the timing on this chapter is exactly the same as chapter 5- the two scenes are happening simultaneously. i hope that comes through. :) _**

**_Happy Reading! :D_**

* * *

_And everyday I see the news_

_All the problems that we could solve_

_And when a situation rises_

_Just write it into an album_

_Sending it straight to gold,_

_I don't really like my flow, no, so_

Rick sat in his study, his fingers motionless over the keyboard. With all the hustle and bustle that had been arising due to the preparations involved with the Nikki Heat film, he had little time to write. Something had sparked tonight though, and he wanted to put it down in writing, before he forgot.

But he was too late. The second he sat down, his thoughts immediately went to Beckett, the way they usually did. He was well aware, especially after the 'Most Eligible Bachelor's List' incident, that there was very little time in his day when he wasn't with, talking about, or thinking about Kate Beckett.

To him, she was extraordinary. His feelings, however, were hard to decipher. Clearly, he cared about her. Clearly he loved working with her. He couldn't imagine doing anything else, now that he had a taste of her world. Part of him wanted to give up writing as a career and train as a cop, so that he could really be her partner at the 12th. They worked so well together, that was undeniable. What better than to make it official?

He was unsure of the rest of their time together, but he was afraid that it would come to an end. _I can't follow her around forever, can I?_

The truth was, he wanted to follow her around forever. Be with her no matter what, and take on the world. They both had to admit, they were better together, whether it was a case, or anything else. They solved so many problems, and he didn't want to just record it into a story. No matter how parallel his novels were to his life at the 12th, it couldn't hold a candle to the reality of it all.

_We can take on the world, if we are together_. He thought.

There was no more time to lose. They had wasted enough. He was too invested now, and he didn't want to hide anything any longer. No matter what she said, how she reacted, he would make it work. _They_ would make it work. They always did, why should this situation be any different? No matter the obstacle, they could do this. Now, he simply had to convince her. _Simply._ He sighed. He had a feeling it would be anything but simple.

Alexis came down the stairs as he was shrugging on his coat.

"Where are you going, Dad?" she asked, eyes full of curiosity.

"There's something that I have to take care of. Something that I should have done a long time ago," he said, hurriedly. He smiled fondly at his daughter. "Don't wait up, okay?"

Alexis' eyebrows raised, combing the possibilities in her head. A small smile started to creep onto her face as she realized what he was talking about.

"Go get her, Dad." She grinned at him, giving all the permission he didn't want to ask for, but knew he needed.

He smiled lovingly back at her. She was so smart; smarter than he figured himself to be most days.

"I will, Pumpkin." He gave her a quick peck on the cheek, and swept out the door.

* * *

**_WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN? O.o_**

**_Be kind, please review! :D_**


	7. Something That Will Light Those Ears

**_Finally! My creative muse has returned from vacation! I don't know where she jetted off to, but I couldn't find her anywhere. Anyhow, I was hit by inspiration in the shower (what a marvelous place to think!) and knew I had to get this down before it disappeared again. _**

**_I had great trouble trying to find a direction for this... I wanted to show the passing of time, but not drag it out too much. Plus, after Monday, I knew I wanted to add things from 'Nikki Heat'. I wanted to thank you for sticking in there by making this chappy a little longer. :) _**

**_So. I hope everyone had a good holiday and a great New Year's celebration. I certainly did! I made the best of what I had. :)_**

**_(PS. those of you who were asking/wondering... my mom was released from the hospital on New Year's Eve! So she has been home 'all year' ;) haha! she's doing just fine. so far, so good!)_**

**__****_Also, all mistakes are my own._**  


**_Enjoy!_**

* * *

_Tell me what you want to hear_

_Something that will light those ears_

_Sick of all the insincere_

_So I'm gonna give all my secrets away_

* * *

Rick hurried down the sidewalk, each step reverberated the mantra he planted in his brain.

_Just tell her. _Step. _We can work through anything. _Step._ Just tell her. _Step.

He wasn't even sure where he was going at this point, and maybe that's why he walked. In his current state, he would have run a huge taxi bill from being indecisive. He knew what his end goal was, but for now, he was just following his feet. Until he built a more concrete plan, that was good enough for him.

Eventually he found himself only a block from the station. Picking up his pace just a touch, he felt the warmth in his stomach release butterflies that he didn't even realize were there. Stopping in front of the doors, he paused to catch his breath, and the gravity of what he was about to do sunk in. The butterflies intensified, and he realized the only reason why they did. She was inside. She had to be, or else he wouldn't feel this way. This was going to happen, and it was going to happen now.

Taking a breath, he opened the door and walked up to the elevator, waving a hand at the officer working the desk. He hopped impatiently from foot to foot as he waited for the elevator to arrive. Once it did, he stepped inside and pressed the button like it would urge the contraption to move faster.

When it arrived on his desired floor, as soon as the doors opened wide enough for him to fit through, Rick bolted out of the elevator, and looked around frantically.

_Now would be a good time to have a plan_, he thought. _Too bad I'm just winging this._

_But the heart wants what the heart wants, right?_

He searched the entire floor, but Beckett was nowhere to be found.

_My spidey senses were tingling. She had to have been here.._

An idea popped into his head. Rushing to her desk, he sat down in her chair. It was still warm. His eyes widened and he raced towards the parking garage, thinking he could catch her.

He rushed into the garage just in time to see her rev the engine on her Harley Softail and take off down the ramp towards the exit.

She had been wearing a helmet, but those curves didn't belong to just anyone. Part of him was utterly stunned that he saw her on what he thought was until now, an imaginary motorcycle. The other part of him was exasperated, and frustrated that once again, he had missed her. This time, he wanted to go after her, but he was literally unable chase her down. After her apartment had turned to ashes with the explosion set off by her deranged 'fan', she had alternate living arrangements.

It was only now that he realized that he wasn't completely sure what those arrangements were.

* * *

The incident that night was never spoken of, at least not to Beckett. Months moved by, cases flowed in and out, and they settled into a steady and comfortable pace. Castle decided not to say anything just yet, his superstitious side telling him to wait, because her driving away from him on her Harley was more than a bad omen that he could spook her. He knew that she thought they were completely different when it came to relationships, and as slow as they appeared to be moving, at least they were moving. Little by little, he would coax her into the trust that he knew she needed. He was so ready to put his whole life aside, and work to win her over completely.

But that was before _Josh._

Ugh. _Josh_.

He assumed that if he were able to read her mind, Josh was there as another decoy; something akin to Demming, to shield herself from Gina. He hadn't been able to see it before, but now, with his own feelings realized, he knew it for what it was. In theory, he should have been able to figure out what to do about it, or at least how to disarm her.

But in all honesty, he was stumped.

He couldn't miss how each member of Beckett's team, including the Captain, matched his exact facial expression when he came to pick her up from the precinct. Clad in leather and a sharp haircut, he oozed attraction, and apparently, by the way Beckett lit up, she fed off of it.

Unaware of the eyes of four men staring holes of pure incredulousness into the back of her jacket, Beckett had left; content to be in the crook of her hunky doctor with a bike.

Castle was lost. Every time._ Every frickin' time_. One step from him counted against three steps back from her. And vice versa. _Every. Time._

It was enough to make him want to quit. He wanted to leave the precinct forever, and start over. Maybe he could move to LA to oversee the Nikki Heat movie. He didn't know, but he needed to get out.

But deep inside, he knew he could never do that. He was too involved.

He had left without a word that night, not wanting to talk about what this meant for him with the guys.

Besides, they already knew.

* * *

Weeks went by, and after realizing that Josh was far too busy to be around to annoy him and distract Beckett that often, Castle was content to keep things the way they were.

For now.

He couldn't say that he wasn't tired of feeling like a yo-yo; trying to keep his emotions in check, and trying to figure out just when to tell Beckett how he felt.

She seemed relaxed too, and never skipped a beat with their bantering and wordplay as she had when Demming was around. He decided at some point that if he wasn't so captivated with Beckett, he would have probably liked Josh. He seemed to be a good person, saving lives and doing other heroic deeds, and more importantly, he made Kate happy.

But it always felt like something was missing. He knew it was a piece of his heart that Kate tightly gripped without fully realizing what she had. Little moments had been happening more recently; a moment of panic followed closely by a moment of comfort after the Triple Killer had gotten away, six small words from Beckett that had more meaning to him than she knew, and waking up in a position that felt awkwardly comfortable after an out-of-this-world interrogation.

These moments made Rick's heart leap, but he knew that nothing would, or could happen because of Josh. He ached at this thought, but also cursed himself for not letting go like he should have.

But just like every time before, he knew it was impossible.

The holidays rolled around and he spent a quiet few days off with his mother and Alexis, never hearing Gina's excuse for not joining them. Frankly, he didn't care. She was only around because he didn't want to be alone. He had admitted that to himself long ago. Not that it mattered now, because she was around less and less. He wondered if they were officially over again.

One mid December night, Beckett had appeared at his doorstep with cookies and small presents for the Castle household. He had been hopeful once again, and tried to cajole her to stay and watch a few classic Christmas specials with them. But she had declined, saying she had plans. He hoped he meant with her father, but he knew that in all likelihood, they were with Josh.

Discouraged, but not able to do anything else, he continued to wait.

* * *

"I can't wait any longer. I saw the look in her eye. I mean, when Natalie assumed that the coffee I brought was for her? Beckett about exploded. I know she was jealous, but who cares about a cup of coffee?"

Rick paced the living room in his loft, grateful that he finally told his mother everything, and that Alexis was out with Ashley. He was growing impatient, and the week he had just had put him even more on edge. He needed to vent, and he had to admit, his mother was a good person to rant to.

"Darling, it's not _just_ a cup of coffee. It's _never_ just a cup of coffee. It's never _been_ just a cup of coffee."

Rick knew she was right. Their coffee ritual was something they had fallen into long ago, and something that signaled that everything was alright between them. Normalcy, or at least normalcy in their terms, equaled coffee. It was like a liquid hug or squeeze of the hand, and was something that was only between them. As crazy as it was to think about, it was almost intimate.

"Then what do I do? I want her, but there is a big road block called 'Josh'. Not to mention I haven't exactly told Gina to bug off yet. After seeing Ryan propose..." He trailed, remembering the moment with a fond smile, "I was so happy for him, but all I could think about was Beckett. I mean, we haven't even dated yet, or even showed physical affection for each other...unless you count the sweaty victory hug when we found that buried treasure." He smiled again, closing his eyes a moment to bask in the warm memory of her body flush against his.

"Affection doesn't have to be physical, darling. You two have had enough verbal foreplay to last you for the rest of your lives, even if you never did it ever again!"

"Ew, mother. Thank you for that."

Martha waved a dismissive hand. "Don't mention it darling." She sipped her glass of wine and spoke again, "But I do understand where you're coming from. Physical symbols are unmistakable and sometimes are all it takes to get your point across. But you never know where that might go. It could scare her."

"You think I haven't thought of that?" Rick raked his fingers through his hair. "I'm a writer. I have imagined almost every scenario there is. I break my own heart half the time."

"You are going to kill yourself that way, dear. You have to just get it over with, and one way or the other, it will work out. You've said yourself that you two can work through anything. And let me tell you something about you and Kate Beckett; you two can do anything you put your minds to. If you both want it bad enough, which I can see every time you are both in the same room, there is no doubt in my mind that you can make this work."

Rick blinked a few times, processing everything. Without a word, he grabbed his jacket and headed out the door. He took his keys, and knew exactly what the plan was this time. He even knew the address of the new apartment that she finally had found in case she wasn't where he thought he was. Nothing could stop him this time.

"This time, don't come back without her!" Martha called after him.

"Believe me," he said through gritted teeth, "I won't.

* * *

His footsteps pounded the ground. He started the car and drove straight to the 12th. He knew she was there. Again, he couldn't quite explain how, but he just _did_. The bond between them had grown so strong, and was even stronger than the first time he'd tried this.

He composed himself on the elevator ride, noticing this time, that he was far less spazzy to begin with.

Closing his eyes, he took a cleansing breath, and stepped out of the elevator and walked with a determined stride to Beckett's desk.

She didn't need to look up to know it was him. Instead she bent her head a little further into the paperwork that she was finishing.

He sat purposefully, perched on the edge of his beloved chair.

She felt his eyes on her. And felt as though she could predict exactly what he was about to say. But she had been wrong so many times before... at the book party, the morning he left... the moment before he left... she steeled her nerves and exhaled a breath.

He spoke first, as always. "Kate..."

She heard him trail her first name musically and fought the urge to smile.

He waited for her to look up.

She didn't indulge him. "What, Castle?"

He changed his tone to make it even gentler. "Kate, look at me. Please. I have something important to tell you."

She lifted her eyes to his, and it was all over. Her breath caught, and she saw exactly what was on his mind, as if written in plain English, right there in those sapphire eyes.

He started, "Kate, I was thinking..."

She felt a smile tug at her lips as she interrupted him. "Rick, I've been thinking too..."

He nearly choked on his words as he heard her use his first name in a manner that was gentle and sincere. That had never happened before.

She let out a breathy, lyrical laugh as she looked him in the eye and said, "I just hope we are thinking the same thought that we can never seem to think at the same time."

He looked confused for a fraction of a second; then his handsome features relaxed in understanding.

She smiled.

He leaned closer and whispered with a playful grin,

"Me, too."

* * *

**_Hopefully with everything calming down, I will be able to post more soon, especially since I have more direction now. :)_**

**_Reviews are the BEST THINGS EVER. _**

**_... pretty please? :)_**


	8. All My Secrets

**_Sorry again for the lengthy gaps in updates... I wrestled this one out of my muse. I had to. She's being mean to me. I hope you like it, because I honestly just wrote and wrote, and I really didn't find anything I wanted to edit when I read it over. That never happens. I cranked it out. _**

**_Take that, muse. ;)_**

**_Enjoy!_**

* * *

_This time, don't need another perfect line_

_Don't care if critics never jump in line_

_I'm gonna give all my secrets away_

The walk to The Old Haunt was taking much too long. Kate had insisted that they take their conversation elsewhere, and Rick's newly acquired bar seemed to fit the bill. Despite their mutual urgency to get where they were going, the pair seemed to lollygag, enjoying the simple action of taking a walk together.

When they arrived, they still held off, knowing that the moment they spoke seriously, the line between them would forever blur. Instead they both ordered drinks, an appropriate glass of Jameson for him, and a Cherry Vodka with Coke for her. They bantered easily back and forth, per usual, talking about recent cases, Kate's new apartment, and a project Alexis was working on for school. The more they talked about everything other than 'What they were thinking', the more they fidgeted.

Kate brushed her hair behind her ear.

Rick drummed his fingers on the bar.

She toyed with her mother's ring.

He adjusted his collar.

She touched his arm in a fit of laughter.

He patted her knee after a sarcastic comment.

She looked up.

He looked at her.

She rested her hand gently on top of his, giving him a small smile.

He stood, taking her hand fully in his, tugging on it to urge her to stand as well.

She followed as he led her downstairs into the basement, where he had set up his private offices.

"Wow Castle, I haven't been down here since that case." She looked around. It was unmistakably his space. A laptop sat on the desk, idling along with a few other trinkets, including the Eastern European Egg Dolls that he had purchased while investigating a case. The harder she looked, the more she saw that nearly every item in the room had some reference to his time at the 12th. From his 'Writer' vest to a framed reprint of the painting that they recovered in the Victor Fink case, the place was filled with little momentos. "It really looks... great down here." She said, unsure of what else to say.

"It's kind of my trophy room," Castle explained, with a slightly goofy look on his face. He began to look around too. A sullen look came over his face eventually, and he turned to face her again. "... Gina... She hated that I kept bringing things home. She thinks I got rid of all this stuff..." He sighed heavily. "She hated that I went to the station all the time. I have a feeling it became less and less about my safety, and more and more about... Well..." he trailed.

"Me?" Kate finished softly for him.

Rick didn't say anything. Instead he walked to the luxurious couch he had brought down there, and flopped down on it, half leaning back over the arm. Kate followed tentatively, still letting him take the reins on this one. As much as she loved being in control of her situation, she was glad to give it up for this one instance. Not only did it give her a little extra time to think, but she also knew that Rick had to suss his own statements out. She sat down, leaving a decent amount of space between them.

A moment passed as the sounds of the bar, rattling and muffled, echoed above them.

"Do you know why Gina and I don't work?" He said, breaking the silence between them.

"No."

"She was safe. For a while at least. And the only real reason I can come up with why I married her was because I felt so guilty for raising Alexis without her mom. I wanted her to have someone, and Gina played the part. Mostly. But she never cared for her the way I do. She couldn't. I always said, 'It felt right at the time.' But the truth is, it never felt completely right. And as of recent, we just kept fighting about the same things over and over, and it felt like deja vu. It was fine. It was ordinary. Then we started fighting about something new."

Kate gulped slightly, knowing what the topic of their new fights were. She started to speak. "Rick, I never meant for-"

"No, Kate. It doesn't matter now," he said, shaking his head. "She was mostly being irrational, but she had a point. Nothing was going on, but it very well could have been, because..." He hesitated. "Because... I wanted something to be going on. But either way, it wasn't. But I realized in those fights, that no matter what I thought I had with Gina, it never compared to what I have, or could have with you."

Kate was touched by his admission. One of the huge barriers that held her back from him was the fact that she never really knew what happened with his marriages. This was a huge step in realizing that he was not the man that always left, and that maybe, just maybe, she could trust him with her heart.

She already trusted him with her life, why not add her heart in the mix as well?

He continued. "And that was the second time. The first time we really tried. Hard. But it never worked. We just aren't compatible."

Kate finally managed to speak. "The second time? Are you- Did you two break up?"

Rick chuckled at this. "Don't tell me you didn't read it on page six. The paparazzi were all over it. It was embarrassing." He offered a small but teasing smile, lightening the mood.

"I wasn't sure," Kate admitted. "I didn't want to pry. I knew something was up, but I figured you would tell me if you wanted to."

"Thank you," he said softly.

"Not a problem," she replied. She inched closer, resting her hand on his knee. "You know you don't have to explain yourself, right?"

"I know," he said, grasping her hand gently. "But I want to. No, I need to. No. I want to _and_ need to. It's the only way to make you understand. I know the reputation I have."

"I'm sorry that I bought into it," she murmured.

"It's not your fault. People saw what I portrayed."

"I know, but still. I should have trusted you."

He gave her hand a squeeze, but said nothing. She picked up their hands with hers, and kissed the back of his hand, covering the kiss with her other hand, as if to seal it there. His eyes flickered to hers, questioning. She knew what he was 'not asking.'

"You want to know, 'What about Motorcycle Boy?'"

"Dr. Motorcycle Boy," he corrected, deadpanning.

She couldn't help but let out a soft giggle, which had Rick doing a double-take. Beckett didn't do things like twirl her hair, and she especially didn't giggle... But she just did.

Meeting his eyes again, she continued with a shrug and a half-defeated smile. "Yin/Yin again. We were too much alike. Both busy, both workaholics. We barely had time for each other, and when we did, things just..." She shook her head gently. "They fizzled. He thought everything was fine, that we were both just stressed. I knew better. My intuition was screaming at me that it would never get more..." She fumbled for the right phrase. "...out of the ordinary with us. We were rushing around with our lives at the speed of light, but when we were together it was stagnant. Ordinary." She found herself shaking her head and smiling at how her words echoed Rick's. She finally finished,"I don't know about you, but for me, ordinary is never enough."

That was all it took: Those words, and her eyes flickering with the same flame that Rick felt in his own body. No more words were needed as he interlaced their fingers and looked into her eyes, feeling the warmth of the look she was returning. She lifted their hands again and kissed each one of his fingers individually. She took her time, not intending to rush a bit of their time. After kissing the flat of his hand one last time, he lifted her chin, and she raised her eyes to his slowly. Green-brown locked with ice-blue, and he reached around to caress the back of her neck with his free hand.

She surprised him by moving first, dipping her head to the right and letting her eyelids flutter closed. He met her half-way, like he always did, regardless of the situation. Their lips met, softly and fluidly. They moved together, as if they had been kissing each other their entire lives. She went for his top lip, biting on it softly, while he sucked on her bottom lip, drawing a small whimper from deep within her. Moving closer, she wound her fingers in his hair at the same moment as he wrapped his fingers in her soft curls and drew her towards him. They tasted, touched, and learned, never once missing a beat. It was so natural, and yet so new.

After a few moments, they mutually pulled away, lips swollen, eyes wide, and breathless, only to sink into each other once again. They even thought the same thought: _'Why did we wait so long to do this?'_

They couldn't stop, even if they wanted to. It didn't just feel good-

It felt _extraordinary_.

* * *

**_Reviews are the BEST THING EVER. :]_**

**_3_**


	9. Don't Let Me Disappear

_**Yay! Faster update! And only one more week 'til a new episode! :)**_

_**Two Easter Eggs in here from movies that I like. Brownie Points if you can find them! :D**_

_**I really don't have anything else, so I'm afraid, without any ado whatsoever... Chapter 9! **_

_**(ooh, if you count that one, ^^ then there are three XD)**_

**_Enjoy :)_**

* * *

_Oh, got no reason, got no shame,_

_Got no family I can blame,_

_Just don't let me disappear,_

_I'ma tell you everything, I swear..._

A month had gone by in honeymoon-phase bliss. After they had told Alexis and Martha, Kate had been spending a considerable amount of time at the Castle loft, sharing dinner, movies, and conversation. It seemed natural, and it fit perfectly into the lives of all involved. Alexis already thought of Kate as a role model and someone she trusted. Martha felt like Kate was the daughter she never had, and worried over her as much as her own son when cases got dangerous.

Rick and Kate were just happy to be spending more time together, because time at work seemed to be not enough recently. Kate was still gun-shy about telling her co-workers at the precinct, so it became a place of zero-tolerance for PDA. Although it was here that the main portion of their day that they got to spend together occurred, they were not able to enjoy it to a full extent, which made the days crawl.

Nights, however, could not go faster. Every time they settled in for a movie, or even some off-the-clock theory building over cases, the clock seemed to skip a few hours, and the next think they knew, it would be time for one of them to leave. Goodbyes lengthened from a peck on the lips and an "Until tomorrow" and a "Night", to long, languid kisses where they both got so lost that eventually one of them had to shake the fog from their heads and break the moment before things got out of hand.

There was nothing about this that they wanted to rush, so for the whole month, there had only been two sleepovers. Once, because Kate insisted he stay after downing a decent amount of beer after a particularly trying case, and twice because he begged her to stay with him when she was so tired she could barely lift her head off his shoulder at the end of a movie. These sleepovers consisted of just sleeping, and maybe a few cuddles because Rick was too good at making his puppy dog eyes for Kate to say no. Her heart would melt as she scooched closer to him, feeling his strong arm wrap protectively across her waist.

One night was a particularly late one at the precinct. A victim had shown up the day before, shot to death with a Glock17; a nine millimeter handgun. The case had been driving them in circles, and the pair was both on edge.

"Glock17's are standard issue handguns for almost every NYPD precinct. I don't know how we can possibly narrow it down. Plus, that means we've got a hell of a lot of cops as suspects." Beckett said with a livid edge to her tone.

"But you never know, someone could have ganked it. Or they could have one of their own. We have to find that weapon." Castle countered.

"But we have to start somewhere, considering we don't even have a crime scene!" Beckett was nearly shouting now. The body had also been moved, so it was unclear even where the vic was murdered. She was so frustrated. "I hate this case!" She growled, a favorite line for times like this.

Castle replied with his own favorite quip, "I know! Isn't it great?"

Beckett glared at him. "Castle, I don't need this right now. I have a potentially dirty cop on my hands, and all you can do is make jokes. Go. Home." Her words bit at him, but he brushed it off.

"Not a chance, detective. You can't get rid of me this easily." He moved to stand directly in front of her. "C'mon. We can go home and order in. I know neither of us has eaten much today. We can get a fresh start tomorrow." He reached for her hands, trying to get her to stand up to put on her coat.

She smacked his hands away. "Not me. You. I am going to keep working." She did stand up, but instead pushed past him and walked briskly to the break room.

Rick stood there a second, a little shell shocked. Sure, she had kicked him out before, but that was before they were... well, whatever they were. He half jogged after her. She was getting a cup coffee, with her back turned. She felt his presence, but decided to ignore it, hoping, foolishly, that it would drive him away. Instead he came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. He was just about to nuzzle into her hair when she slammed down her cup and turned in his grasp.

"Rick, I'm not playing around here!" She hissed. "And get your paws off of me. We're at work!"

Rick looked at the ground, knowing he had broken a rule. "I just thought..." he started.

"Don't think! Just leave!"

The words stung. He backed away, with an incredulous look on his face. "This is about more than just the case, isn't it? It's got to be, because there is absolutely no one else here. Look. I know you're tired, but that doesn't give you the right to yell at me!" He was almost yelling back. Lowering his voice he added, "If you're that ashamed to be with me, then..."

"God Rick, you are so _obtuse_ sometimes! I just need to work, and yes," she hesitated for just a moment, lowering her voice. "I might need a little space."

"I just know there is something going on deeper here, Kate. You always trusted me before... Let me in. Please?" When she just stared at him with an unrelenting look on her face, he sighed. "Fine. How much space?" He asked, knowing he had gravely misjudged last time he was ordered to give a woman her space.

"Just go home tonight. I will see you tomorrow," she said in a softer tone, thinking she had finally won. She turned back towards her desk with a flourish.

Rick sighed. At least she hadn't asked for more time without him around. He looked through the window to where she sat, writing furiously. He figured she was just writing a request for a warrant, and although he was curious, he knew now not to push it. Sometimes Rick Castle didn't know when to stop, but with Beckett, he was learning, and he was learning quickly.

He returned to her desk only to pick up his coat, and to utter a quick "sorry" and a "night" before he was off. She nodded once, and went back to the murder board.

It wasn't until he reached to get his keys that he found a folded up scrap of paper in his coat pocket. It was from Kate, and it read:

_Rick-_

_I am sorry. I had no reason or right to snap at you. This case just is biting at me. And you'll know why soon enough. Please know that I am not ashamed of you. I'm just not there yet. Maybe it's because you are more important than any of my exes ever were. I tend to not be great at this kind of stuff, and I don't want to mess this up... Not this time. I may want space... but don't let me disappear completely, okay? I know that I have made a habit of that in the past._

_-Kate_

There was a part of him that was utterly surprised that she actually wrote those things down, and another part that expected her not to be able to express something like that out loud. He smiled slightly, taking the last line as a challenge. Yes, she could have space, but there wasn't a chance in hell that he would let her slip away.

Finding that despite not eating much all day, he wasn't very hungry, Rick decided to not call and order in like he was planning to do if Kate had come with him. Unlocking the door, Rick stole into his silent apartment, as to not wake his sure-to-be-sleeping daughter. He kicked off his shoes, hung up his coat and padded to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of wine. He took a long sip before he even re-corked the bottle and exhaled slowly. _Nothing decompresses quite like red wine_, he thought. Shaking his head slightly, remembering the last time he decompressed like this, he corked the bottle and headed to the couch. He picked up the book he was nearly finished with, and settled in for read for an hour or so before trying to go to bed. He knew he had to get his mind off of Kate, or else he would never sleep.

Not even thirty minutes into his chapter, he heard the softest knock on his door. He had to stop reading and process what he thought he heard to even realize that it was in fact a knock. Setting down his wine glass, he went to the door and found a slightly sheepish detective on the other side.

"Couldn't stay away, could you, detective?" He smiled genuinely as to not change her mind by being too impish.

Seeing the sincere look in his eyes, Kate held up a bag of food, with the word 'sorry' written on the slightly crinkled white paper. "I thought you might be hungry."

He grinned and let her inside, not hiding the fact that he was absolutely enthralled that she had shown up. Settling in with their burgers and shakes, which Kate had ordered flawlessly, knowing his order by heart, he said,

"Now here I was, thinking I was going to have to dig you out of your hole, and here you are."

"Well you can put down your shovel, but don't walk to far from it," she chuckled in between sips of her shake.

"What do you mean?"

"Rick, I know I am not the easiest person to get close to. Things have been really great but... I can't help feeling a little crazy now and then. There is not much you can do about it, and I am trying to work on it... But it's just my little broken back story rearing its ugly head."

He gave her a small smile of understanding, and she went on.

"I have a great time when I'm with you, even before we started dating. I don't want to lose that because I have... well, baggage." She hesitated. "I don't usually tell people that, but you... you know so much already that I feel like I have to say it, even though I know that you know." She stumbled through her sentence, trying to line up what her heart was saying with how her voice was expressing it.

"I _do_ know." He gave her a warm smile, telling her he understood what she was going for.

"I'm assuming you read my note..." He nodded a little, wanting to thank her, but he let her get everything out. "I meant it," she continued. "Don't let me block you out as I am likely to do." She wrapped up the trash from her meal and rearranged herself so she was facing him. "This could be complicated." She said at last. "You know, on the first one, I crashed and burned."

"And the second?" He said, wrapping his arms around her middle and pulling her into his arms.

She smiled, tossing her head back just a bit. "Mmm... I don't know... but it's looking good so far."

Kate leaned into him, hovering her lips above his. He reached up, gently twisting his hand into her hair, and pulled her the rest of the way to him, capturing her lips with his. She smiled into the kiss, catching his upper lip between her teeth softly, earning an almost inaudible growl from deep in his throat. She let her hand that was pressed against his shoulder slide down, pulling the rest of her body flush on top of his. He responded to the contact by tightening his grip in her hair and around her waist, locking her securely to himself. She sighed, reeling for a moment as she always did at the pure electricity that buzzed between them intensifying as they got closer together. She felt him pressing up against her, trying impossibly to draw her nearer. He nuzzled her cheek to the side, planting kisses down to her neck and shoulder and nibbled gently on the soft skin there, causing her to produce the sweetest sound. He gasped, feeling the shock of her moan rip through him. He reluctantly pulled his lips from her silky skin when she reached down and lifted his chin. His complaint was lost as she pressed her lips once more to his, once, then twice. Hovering over him once more, she was beautifully breathless, and he took a second to memorize the moment.

"Hey," he said softly. "I thought you were hungry." He didn't want to stop for anything in the world, but he knew better than to push it, or to get in the way of his food-deprived Kate.

"Mmm... I am. But what do you say to having a backwards meal?" She smirked, cryptically.

"Backwards meal?"

"Yeah, it means we get to eat dessert first."

* * *

**_Yes yes, I am evil for breaking it at this point. Don't worry, we are kicking it up to 'M' next chapter! :D_**

**_Reviews are lovely!_**


End file.
